The Demon Queen's Contract

Chapter 126: Who am I?

The castle's corridors felt colder than usual, shadows stretching long and foreboding across the stone floor. I could feel the chill creeping into my bones as I walked, my footsteps echoing hollowly in the silence.

My thoughts were a tangled mess, emotions knotted together in a confusing, suffocating mass. I couldn't shake the heaviness that had settled over me, a weight that pressed down on my chest with every breath I took.

I kept replaying that conversation with Seraphina in my head, over and over again, as if by doing so I could somehow change the outcome.

Her voice, trembling with pain and frustration, echoed in my mind, each word like a dagger to the heart. I'd hurt her, I knew that. But I couldn't bring myself to let her in, not now, not when I didn't even know who I was anymore.

I stopped in front of one of the tall, arched windows that lined the corridor. The moon was high in the sky, its pale light casting an eerie glow over the landscape outside. The mountains loomed in the distance, dark and menacing, like silent sentinels guarding some terrible secret.

I rested my forehead against the cool glass, closing my eyes, trying to shut out the turmoil raging inside me.

Who am I?

The question lingered in my mind, a bitter taste on my tongue. The memories that had come flooding back to me were like pieces of a shattered mirror, each fragment reflecting a different version of myself none of them familiar, none of them the person I wanted to be.

The thief, the murderer, the monster… I'd been all those things, and worse. I could see it all so clearly now the blood on my hands, the cold satisfaction I'd taken in the chaos I'd caused, the lives I'd ruined without a second thought.

But was that really me? Was that who I still was, deep down? Or had I changed? Had Seraphina been right when she said I wasn't that person anymore?

I didn't know. I couldn't tell where the old Elara ended and the new one began. The lines between them were too blurred, too indistinct. I didn't know who I was supposed to be, or if I even had the right to be anything different.

I heard the faint rustle of fabric behind me and knew without turning around that Seraphina was there, watching me.

She'd been doing that a lot lately, hovering at the edge of my awareness, as if afraid I might slip away if she didn't keep me in her sights. It should have been comforting, but instead, it only made the weight on my chest feel heavier.

I didn't turn to face her, just kept my forehead pressed against the cold glass, my breath fogging up the window. The silence stretched on between us, thick and tense, the unspoken words hanging in the air like a storm about to break.

"Elara," Seraphina's voice was soft, almost hesitant, as if she wasn't sure if she should break the silence. "Please… talk to me."

I could feel her gaze on me, burning into my back, but I couldn't bring myself to look at her. I knew what I'd see in her eyes the concern, the worry, the love. The emotions I didn't know how to handle, the emotions that only made everything more complicated.

"There's nothing to say," I finally replied, my voice flat, emotionless. It was easier that way, easier to keep everything locked up inside, easier to pretend that I was fine, that I could handle this on my own.

"That's not true," Seraphina said, and I could hear the frustration creeping into her voice, the hurt. "You're shutting me out, Elara. You're shutting everyone out. You don't have to do this alone."

I closed my eyes, trying to block out the pain in her voice, the guilt that twisted in my gut. "I don't even know what 'this' is," I said, more to myself than to her. "I don't know who I am anymore, Seraphina. I don't know if I'm even the person you think I am."

Her silence was more telling than any words could have been. She didn't know what to say, didn't know how to make this better. And that only made me feel worse because I was the one causing her this pain. I was the one tearing us apart.

"Elara," Seraphina's voice was softer now, more pleading. "Whatever it is you're going through, you don't have to face it alone. I'm here for you. I'll always be here for you."

I felt a lump form in my throat, the emotion I'd been trying so hard to keep at bay threatening to break through. But I couldn't let it. I couldn't let her in, not when I was so lost, not when I didn't even know who I was anymore.

"I need to figure this out on my own," I said, my voice barely above a whisper. The words tasted bitter in my mouth, like poison, but I knew they were true.

I needed space, time to think, time to come to terms with who I had been and who I was now. And I couldn't do that with Seraphina watching my every move, with her concern and her love weighing me down.

I finally turned to face her, and the look in her eyes nearly broke me. She looked so lost, so hurt, and it was all because of me. But I couldn't back down, not now. I had to be strong, even if it meant pushing her away.

"I need to get some information," I said, my voice firmer now, more resolved. "I need to find out everything I've done, every crime, every sin. And I need to do it alone."

Seraphina opened her mouth to protest, but I held up a hand to stop her. "Please," I said, my voice softening. "I need this, Seraphina. I need to understand who I was before I can figure out who I am now."

Her eyes searched mine, as if trying to find some way to convince me to let her come with me, to not do this alone. But after a long, tense moment, she finally nodded, though the pain in her eyes didn't lessen.

"I understand," she said quietly, though it was clear that she didn't really, that she was only saying it because she knew there was no changing my mind.

I reached out and took her hand, squeezing it gently, trying to convey with that simple touch what I couldn't say in words that I loved her, that I needed her, even if I couldn't let her be a part of this right now.

She squeezed back, but the gesture felt empty, hollow, as if the connection between us was already fraying, unraveling before my eyes.

"I'll be back," I said, trying to sound more confident than I felt. "I just need some time."

Seraphina nodded again, but the sadness in her eyes didn't fade. "I'll wait for you," she said, her voice barely above a whisper.

I knew she would. That was the worst part. She would wait, even if it took me longer than either of us wanted to admit. And I hated myself for it, for putting her through this, for making her wait.

I turned and walked away before I could change my mind, before I could give in to the urge to run back to her and hold her, to let her comfort me. But I knew that wouldn't help, not in the long run. I had to face this alone, had to figure out who I was, who I wanted to be.

As I walked down the corridor, the shadows seemed to close in around me, the cold seeping into my bones.

The castle felt more like a prison now, its walls confining, suffocating. I needed to get out, needed to breathe, needed to be somewhere that wasn't filled with memories of what I'd done, of who I'd been.

But even as I walked away, I couldn't shake the feeling that I was leaving a part of myself behind, that the distance between me and Seraphina was growing too wide to ever be bridged again. And that thought terrified me more than anything else.

Back in the room, the silence was heavy, almost oppressive. The walls seemed to close in on me as I pulled out a small travel bag, the fabric rough against my fingers.

My hands moved mechanically, folding clothes, gathering the essentials just enough for a few days. My mind raced with thoughts, but I pushed them aside, focusing on the task at hand.

Each item I packed felt like another step away from Seraphina, another barrier between us. The weight of my decision settled in my chest, but I knew I couldn't back down now. I needed answers, clarity.

The room grew colder as I moved, my breath fogging in the air as if the very space around me was protesting my choice.

I paused, holding a small keepsake an old, worn book Seraphina had once given me. My fingers brushed over the cover, and for a moment, I hesitated.

But then I set it aside, closing the bag with a finality that echoed in the quiet room. I was almost ready to leave, but the hardest part still lay ahead: walking out that door.