Death, Devotion, Dissonance

Chapter 42 - A Decisive Talk

Evin woke the next morning muddleheaded, or whatever morning it was after what had happened, in his own room.

He woke up to a hearty meal on his desk, with a note that said it was breakfast. By the size of the thing, Evin guessed that it was Arza's doing.

'Always eating like some overindulgent pig,' he thought spitefully.

<Good morning,> the voice greeted.

"Mm…" Evin replied feeling off. "What happened?"

<You became unconscious, and then the chairman had you brought to a nurse. The nurse couldn't really find anything wrong with you, so you were brought to your room.>

The mention of the Chairman stirred an anger inside Evin.

"That man… He was excited to see me suffering from pain!" Evin said, remembering the almost childish exhilaration the Chairman was hiding behind his worried face.

<I saw it as well. He wore the look of a mad zealot who saw proof of whatever belief he held in his head. He's now irreversibly convinced that I exist in some part of your head,> the voice said gravely. <I'm afraid the whole fight and the pill was bait to lure us out and I fell right into his traps. I'm sorry.>

The mention of Evin's fight with Decatur stirred an even greater anger in Evin's heart. He then noticed his still broken arm and the faint pulse of pain that radiated from it. He tried to find the words to vocalize his emotions, but it was in vain.

<Calm down…> the voice sighed, knowing Evin's emotions. <If you can't, then here, have some of mine.>

With its will, Evin's messy mind was intruded by the voice's unfamiliar and uncanny stillness, forcing Evin to still his rapidly beating heart. He then entered the blissful state of mind that the voice granted him when he decided to share the entirety of his mind. Evin was somewhat touched by the act.

<I understand you're mad. I am as well. I only wish that we could be let loose, beat some sense in Decatur and the Chairman.> it continued softly. <But we don't have the abilities to achieve our wishes… and even if we could, we don't have the methods to survive the aftermath of our vengeance.>

As he was sharing the voice's mind, Evin saw the logic in its statements.

<We shall keep this fury well-hidden in our minds, and when we're able, we'll exact revenge upon those who think us easy to bully and use us.>

Evin nodded, his heavy breathing stilling slightly.

<It's okay to let your anger gather inside you. It will give you strength. But remember, that's a problem for our future. We have other things to worry about. The most concerning of all being the pill that Kent fed you. It dulls your senses, no, nullifies them completely, but after its effects pass, it forces you to feel one of them stronger than the rest. Your anger. You growled like an animal in your sleep, grinding your teeth and muttering obscenities.>

With the calmness that was granted by the voice, Evin finally noticed this oddity. Ever since he awoke, he was in a foul mood, seeking to butt heads with anyone that came in his mind.

<If we were to trust Kent's words, the pills effects should've disappeared by now, but as we've seen, it hasn't,> the voice said simply. <I can't be sure if your anger was something Kent intended, or something that just happened randomly. But I must consider the worst and continue with the assumption that Kent willed for this to happen. Perhaps he hoped the anger would solely be directed at Decatur, so you would better fill the role of a defiant commoner.>

Evin nodded slowly, grasping some of the boiled vegetables that sat on his desk.

"What should we do then?"

<Well, our goal remains unchanged. We shall gather knowledge and strength, hoping it will help us separate. We can ignore Decatur for the most part, most likely he would feel bored of his bullying and leave us alone eventually,> the voice said sagely. <As for Kent, well, it's hard to tell. He's far too authoritative and powerful than us, so the best we can do is to try and survive the trials he will throw at us.>

"You mean to say he'll interfere with us more?" Evin asked worriedly.

<Most probably.>

"I see…" Evin sighed.

All of a sudden, Evin was too tired of all these problems.

Mindlessly, he continued to gorge on the dish that Arza left for him. He soon realized that his body had been starving. The voice also seemed to agree on this fact and let Evin eat in peace. Very quickly, Evin devoured the large meal that Arza left for him.

Finished, Evin noticed the awkward silence between him and the voice. He chuckled to himself, reminding himself that it was normal to be silent when one was alone and sought entertainment in something else.

Of all the things, his eyes fell on the wall. He found himself wondering how the builders were able to achieve such levelness. When he touched it before, he learned that it wasn't the smoothness of carefully sawed wood, nor the coldness of cut stone. These things were made of a mix of many things, merged together somehow. Or was it the influence of magic that achieved these effects?

If he absorbed a Shard of Tenarak and willed the energies to create a wall of earth, would his creation feel the same as this wall?

'Most likely,' Evin judged. 'After all, I saw the Academy being built by mages. The dormitory shouldn't be any different."

It was never boring for Evin when he shared the voice's perspective. Without his intent, his mind would seek out topics to mull about, odd people to speculate on, and random walls to ponder upon. It allowed him to forget the awkwardness and loneliness he often felt in total silence.

<Evin,> the voice sighed.

"You want to talk," Evin guessed.

<Yes,> the voice said, more confidently this time. <You must make a decision. You must choose to trust me completely, or not trust me at all. I sometimes see you teetering on the brink of that decision, listening to my requests, yet questioning why you listen to them.>

Evin sat silently, letting the voice speak out its inner thoughts. He noticed that there was none of the usual mocking and sarcastic undertones that it usually liked to speak in. The talk this time was deadly serious.

<I'm afraid you're starting to see me as a replacement for your father. And Empress forbid, I abused that against you,> the voice confessed. <Whenever I badly need you to do something, I take on the same tone of voice he used against you, ordering you about and witnessing how your body obeys these orders without regard for what you feel about them.>

<I won't lie and say I don't mean to do these things. I am all but human and humans desire control and authority. I imposed my wishes on you, to give myself a false sense of control.>

Evin listened to the voice confessing all its manipulations and felt disgusted by its words, but some part of him understood it.

<You fear your father, you even hate him. But you need him. You need someone in the world that's there for you, one that's going to take care of you, regardless of how much you two might hate each other in reality. I understand that fact and I know how to abuse it against you. And I did.>

Evin then felt the voice trying to cleanse its calmness of itself, silently hinting at Evin that his mind was his own.

<You deserve to learn the truth, Evin. I am everything you feared me to be. Manipulative, untrustworthy, and immoral. But I am not all that. I do things that I perceive as good things, as much as I do things that I perceive as bad things. Everyone in the world does this. But more often than not, they hide their ugly sides, so others may think them perfect and flawless. So that others may show interest in them.>

<Even you do these things. You turn polite and amiable in Leanne's presence because of your crush on her; you turn casual and unassuming in Arza's presence because you feel that it's cool and mysterious; and you turn polite yet distant in the presence of strangers because, well, that's just how you treat strangers.>

<But you never do these things with me. You snarl at me, you insult me, you threaten me and you mock me. As do I. I threaten you, I insult you hourly, and I let loose my anger on you. All because I feel unfairly treated by my own circumstances.>

Evin thought about the voice's words. Despite his calmness, Evin found it hard to not dislike the voice. He didn't wish to understand why it was so eager to share its darker sides with him.

<Do you know why I mock you two so thoroughly when your father decides beat you up? It's to let you know that what's occurring is wrong. It's to let you understand that it's okay to leave behind such things and move on. It's better to be alone, than to suffer like this.>

Evin remembered all the times he had to suffer the voice's jabs on top of the hurt that plagued his body.

"It never helped. You know?" Evin said, his voice tight. "You were just like a fly that lands on a bleeding wound."

<I see that now. I thought I was helping you, but I only served to further your pains,> the voice sighed. <Sometimes, I make grave mistakes. Yesterday was that. I should've thought that whatever Kent gives you would be poison, and I shouldn't have so brazenly tried to reverse its effects. Especially not in front of him.>

Evin detected the same fear in the voice's tones that he felt yesterday, when he was numb to everything.

<But it was so terrible to suddenly find myself outside the comforts of your mind. It's as if one moment you're sitting in the comforts of your room and the next moment, you find yourself stranded on a dark space, with no sign of anything nearby. It made me lash out, to desperately try and reach out to where I was before, and in the process, I hurt you badly. I'm sorry for that.>

Evin was surprised by the sincerity in the voice's words. The voice itself seemed surprised by it too. Sighing, it continued.

<I won't say I do these things for you. That would be a lie, and it would truly make me a copy of your father. I have my own thoughts, my own desires, and my own future that I envision for myself. To do all of that, I need us to separate into two beings. And to do that, we need strength and knowledge… Again, the talk comes to this. To strength.>

Evin then understood that sincerity was the objective of this talk. The voice talked freely of its flaws and foul designs, so it Evin would understand that it wasn't trying to lie to him.

<If this was a world without magic, I can easily put you atop everyone in a few years, either through money or religion, whichever suits best. But alas, we are ants in the faces of mages like Kent. We can despise him all we want, but we can't do much else other than bend to his wills and hope we'll find our freedom.>

A pause later, it continued.

<But this same magic that binds us gives us hope. Hope to separate and lead our own different lives. In a world without magic, we can only give up and move on with our lives. But not here. Not in Alvox… I will teach you magic, try my best to explain every single detail of it, so you'll be able to recreate what I do without me interfering for you.>

<But. I need you to trust me, to accept me as part of you.>

"I do," Evin said without hesitation. "We will make decisions as one unit, without bickering and arguing."

It was time for Evin's sincerity to surprise the two.

<Heh, I'm sure there will be plenty of bickering and arguing, so let's not bet on that,> the voice chuckled with amusement. <It is enough that we trust each other and work together.>

"But I want one thing from you," Evin said, gathering his breath. "I want you to talk about what you are."