How I Became the Strongest Sovereign

Chapter 119 - A Day I Never Thought Would Arise...

-Zeref's POV-

The medical team and police force arrived on site and took care of students. It turned out beasts had attacked the whole city from different angles so the Police Force was occupied. 

I hugged my mother and surprisingly, she took the news well. It was the first time she had seen me properly without my eye patch. She didn't argue and told me to rest instead; I could explain everything later on.

I sat outside the hospital room. Naz, Jace and Sara were getting their check ups inside while I fiddled with my sleeve. People stared at me, whispering. I guess the news spread quickly. I fought the principle.

I couldn't ignore the looks any longer and ran out of the halls, finding an empty room. The soft moonlight shone into the dimly lit room and I stared out of the large windows, showing me a clear view of everything.

This life was more chaotic than my last life.

It feels so weird not being James Lance. I'm now Zeref Amara. I'm stronger, faster and have a carved path towards something people would kill for.

But something feels… missing

I feel empty.

I feel like I'm still holding onto something in my past life. The more I try to search deep and find what it is, the further I feel from it. What's holding me back from fully moving onto this life?

I sat on a chair and stared at the medicine vials all stacked in a tall cabinet. It was much more peaceful here. Plus, the door has a window so I can see if Jace, Naz or Sara walk past. 

"Zeref?!" Malia's distant voice yelled out to me.

I craned my neck over my shoulder and towards the door.

"In here!" I yelled back, turning back around to stare at the night sky.

I heard her footsteps trail closer until she swung the door open with little to no bruises. I stood up, about to run to her but she had already pounced on me, laughing with relief.

"Thank god, you're okay!" she dug her face into my neck, pulling me down while holding me closely. I wrapped my arms around her, taking in her scent.

We swayed in each other's arms, holding each other through the chaos of the night. I held her while thinking of how I could have lost her tonight.

She really was amazing. 

I remember running outside to see her holding up a barrier against thousands of beasts. Her hair was blown out of her face and the fierce concentration in her eyes still flashes my memory. She looked powerful.

Almost… untouchable.

"You're a…" I proceeded to say.

"Spirit wolf." we both said in unison as she looked at me with guilt swirling in her eyes.

This whole time she has been holding her powers in. Now that I know, I can have more help with fighting off armies. I wonder what would happen if I used my inspect skill on her...

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you Zeref." she sighed, her eyes puffy and red. I held her face in my hands, shaking my head.

"It isn't your fault. I never gave you time to tell me." I said. 

She was very weak and looked tired. She fought, held back and led an army tonight.

She saved us.

One thing for sure is that she is definitely useful and I can see her growing and fighting alongside me in the future. After all, she was Gramps's student for a short time because she was also gifted like me.

"There is so much I need to tell you." she shivered, pulling herself away from me, the guilt becoming more apparent in her face.

"Same." I returned, the idea of telling her about how I bonded with a true dragon popping up in my head.

Malia looked at me with a lost expression in her eyes. Her hands were shaking mine as she held in her urge to cry. I stared at her with mixed feelings, waiting for her to say something but instead she closed her eyes.

"The powers of a spirit wolf were gifted to me from the monarchs. They put my past life's soul inside of me to teach me how to control it… I attacked Sara after losing control and shifting in school. I remember you chasing me and I fainted. 

"When I woke up, I was dying inside my shell. My past soul pretended to be me while I recovered. Therefore I was so strange- I-I-" she rambled in one go, not being able to look at my reaction. I tried to keep track of her story, letting myself process her words.

A foreign feeling washed over me.

I was right. All those weird times when she acted out… wasn't her.

I held her chin up, forcing her eyes to raise and look at me.

"Don't feel guilty."

A misty aura resonated around her as she gasped. It felt as if I was touching gold; she went dead cold.

"I'll show you." she said while a wave of power expanded out of her. I shut my eyes momentarily from the gush of wind but when I opened my eyes, I saw something I knew couldn't be real.

Standing in front of me was the woman who haunted my dreams. The woman I lost and my heart ached for. Malia dropped to the floor from the power it must've taken to exert her out. 

I couldn't move. I couldn't process anything.

How?

She was pale and a bit see through, looking at me with no expression.

I found it hard to find words. I clenched my jaw, shaking with tears welling my eyes.

"N-Nina?" 

Her expression changed to one of surprise as she stared into my eyes. I dropped to my knees, letting my tears run free. I cried on the floor, letting all my emotions rush out of me. It hurt so much to look at her. I couldn't.

The pain I kept all these years had finally rendered me immobile. It had finally devoured me as I stared into her eyes.

"I'm sorry I was too late. I'm sorry I didn't come in time. Y-You must've suffered so much.  It must've been so painful. I couldn't s-save you. I'm sorry-" I held my arms together, kneeling to her. 

She stepped back, her hands starting to shake while her gears turned.

"James?" she wavered before looking me in the eyes. 

I looked back at her.

Why did it have to be like this?

We had a doomed fate. We were both empty voids, trying to become something that was supposed to be in the past. Everything was too late. She pulled me into the abyss; into a dream-like fantasy. We were happy… but death was our only barrier. 

The only thing that can obstruct love... is death. 

And it broke us.

Us.

Why couldn't I just go back to her?

I ran up to her, trying to hug her but I stumbled through her. She cried as I screamed out in frustration. 

All these years of her running through my mind and now that she is in front of me I can't even hold her!!!

"James, is it really you?" she held her hand over her mouth in shock, tears running softly down her cheeks. I turned to her, weakly limping towards her. I stroked her face, feeling nothing but air. 

Nina will never come back. 

She wasn't here.

Not physically.

I can't feel her. I can't hold her. Even after all these years... There was not a day where she didn't come to my mind.

She leaned into my hand but I felt numb. There was no warm skin to touch, no person to hug, no life. Just her soul.

But it was enough.

Please leave her with me. Please let me have my Nina.

She looked conflicted, wrapping her arms around me, trying not to fall through me. I cried. That's all I could do. Cry with the pain finally drowning me. 

How many times do I have to relive your death? How many times do I have to be reminded I was too late? Why does your essence follow me?

"It isn't your fault. None of it was. You made me the happiest…" she cried, sniffling.

"Don't leave me again." I pleaded, feeling as if her reassurance was a farewell.

"Don't let my death hold you back okay? M-Move forwards Z-Zeref Amara, my lightning contestant." she caressed my cheek but again, I couldn't feel her.

Let me feel her warmth! Be real!!!

I shook my head, refusing her words. 

"N-No. I'm your James. I'm not anyone else."

She sighed, smiling as her tears finally stopped.

"I'm very happy with how my next life is here. Malia is strong enough to control the spirit wolf transformation without me now. She doesn't need my assistance." she looked down at Malia's body.

"You have all my blessings Zeref. Let go of James. He can rest… with me. Our love will never die. Let your memories of me fade." she comforted as I fell to my knees again, falling to her feet and begging her.

"Live well… Zeref. You can start fresh. Our love can relive in Malia and Zeref. It's time for us to rest." she reached her hand down to me as I stayed on the floor, still pleading.

"PLEASE DON'T LEAVE!"

"Make me proud. Zeref Amara." she smiled as she started to float up.

"NOOO!" I leaped up, trying to hold onto her but my fingers slipped through her ankles.

"NOOOOOO!"

I wanted to scream, cry, shout but nothing would bring her back.

Malia sat up, dazed. Somehow she looked like she knew everything. Like she had watched it unfold.

"Zeref I am so sorry…" she ran up to me, hugging my broken state.

"SHE LEFT ME ALL OVER AGAIN!" I cried, leaning into her arms.

Can anyone understand the pain eating me alive right now?...

Why would you monarchs dangle her right in front of me and snatch her away again?!

I'm going to kill you all!!! I'm going to make sure I send all of you down to hell.

I will rule the upper realm and hell.

If I can't ascend to the upper realm, I'll make the upper realm crumble down to me.

"Why?" I cried, numbly. I had grieved her so many times.

But the wound was still fresh, even after 20 years. A scar like this will never heal because it's not on my skin like any normal wound. Although it stings when touched and reopens when there's a sharp movement, this wound won't be able to close or heal. 

I saw Nina after 20 years of constant dreams of her.

I finally saw her but she is gone.

Malia cried, cradling my head. 

"I know, I know." she cooed, rocking us both.

I struggled to keep my eyes open; I was tired of hurting. The slumber wrapped around me as I was rocked back and forth on the floor, in Malia's arms. 

She was with me. Malia.

That was enough for my scar to go numb.

"I'm sorry," she comforted, her tears dropping onto my cheek as I finally let myself melt into her. There was no point in holding onto my grief. 

"It is okay to cry. It is okay to hurt. It is okay to grieve." she whispered, running her fingers through my hair.

It was a long night for the both of us. Malia and I. Me and Malia.

Us.

An eternal 'us'.

"I'm here…" she rubbed the tears from my cheeks, smiling through the pain and looking down at me.

Somehow, I felt at ease. Like everything had been settled. James was really gone.

I'm Zeref Amara.

I closed my eyes, holding one arm around her. I hummed in her comfort as I sat in my empty mind of darkness. My eyes stung from the tears but as she rocked and rocked and rocked, I felt my thoughts release.

I fell asleep.

In her arms.

Us.