Die. Respawn. Repeat.

Chapter 164: Book 3: A Crucial Question

Back when we were still on the way to the Tear, Ahkelios asked me a question. It rings in my head even now.

"Why do you care?"

It's an interesting question.

—

"Because I have to, I think," I answer. It's not a perfect reply, but it's the best one I can give.

I know why he's asking it. Ahkelios hasn't said anything about it directly, nor has he allowed them to leak through our shared connection, but I know him well enough by now that I can sense the way his doubts have been ringing around in his head. Whatever happened in the Empty City, whatever it is that spoke to him—it's left an impact.

How that impact was left on him is another question entirely.

Ahkelios doesn't seem satisfied with that answer. There's a hint of frustration in the way he responds, something that almost verges on anger. He clenches his fists before forcing them to relax, worried that I'll notice. "What's that supposed to mean?" he asks, trying his best to control his voice.

I glance at him, and he shifts uncomfortably under my gaze. Neither of us say anything, but something unspoken passes between us, and he looks away after a moment.

"The... second one. Yes. But not just that." He's a little more hesitant now when he responds. Ahkelios is well aware of what drove me through that phase shift. Of the way I chose to shape my future. "I kind of understand, but I don't understand why it matters so much to you."

The words come back to me. They're not hard to find—they're written into my Firmament now, a promise I've made for the direction of my growth.

To gain enough strength to define a future of my own. To make choices without allowing fear to define them. To choose kindness and mercy and compassion and weather all the risk that comes with them, because victory without them is not a victory I accept.

Ahkelios wants to know why this matters so much to me, and he's not the only one.

Within me, the Knight stirs, suddenly interested in this conversation. I can feel it... resonating, almost. Like it agrees with the thought. There's a shift within my soul where the Inspiration resides, and it's suddenly a little more aligned, like something's begun to click into place.

But it wants to know more, just as Ahkelios does.

Why does it matter indeed.

I have an answer, but the memories that come with it aren't the most pleasant ones. "I guess I've never really talked about it," I muse. I roll the thought around for a moment, then shake my head slightly. "I'm going to have to work through my thoughts on this, so bear with me."

"Don't I always?" Ahkelios tries to joke, flashing me a grin he doesn't really feel. I snort dryly.

"No need to pretend, 'Kelios," I say. He falls silent. "I've never put it into words before, but...

"I think kindness is a choice." It takes me a second to find those words, but when I find them, I'm more certain than ever. "And it's a choice you have to keep making. Just doing it whenever you feel like it doesn't cut it. I used to think it was—I figured I could just be nice when I was in the mood for it. As long as I'm nice more often than I'm not, what does it matter, right?"

Ahkelios frowns, watching me for a moment. "Something happened?"

"You could say that." I close my eyes briefly, feeling the wind on Hestia rush past me as we race toward Carusath and its Tear. "Yeah. Happened years ago, mind you. I don't know how much of this will make sense to you, but there was an... altercation at my school. Kids bullying other kids—not exactly unusual. Normally I would've stepped in, done something, but I was having a bad day."

Not that I remember why anymore. Funny how that works—so many things seem minor in context. So many things I just don't bother remembering.

"Which was the one time it went wrong, of course." The memory's distant enough now that I don't keep kicking myself over it, but it makes me clench my teeth all the same. "Kid was pushed, hit his head on a corner of a table. I stepped in then, but it was obviously too late at that point."

"Did he..." Ahkelios trails off mid-question.

"Not for a long time," I say. "Hospital kept him alive for a while. But yes."

There's a pause there.

The author's content has been appropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.

"I don't understand," the mantis admits after a moment. "I mean, I guess that explains why you feel like you have to do something, but what about the rest of it? Why'd you let Whisper go?"

I shoot Ahkelios a look. "What makes you think I let her go? She ran away."

"You could've killed her before then," he says. "During the raid, even."

"I could have, I suppose," I say. "While she was helping us hold the asteroid back. And if it went wrong, how many more would have died?"

"And after?" he asks.

I don't answer for a moment. Truthfully, there's a part of me that's glad that Whisper ran before I could make that decision. I'm not sure what I would have chosen.

"He forgave them," I say eventually. "The ones who hurt him. He made us make sure the school didn't punish them too hard. Made me promise I wouldn't try to hurt them. Not for what happened to him, anyway."

"I don't know if I could've kept that promise," Ahkelios says doubtfully. I snort in response.

"Believe me, I almost didn't," I mutter.

"But you did?"

"For the most part." The memories are strong even now. "One of them really did figure things out. He's trying to become a doctor. We stay in contact. It's hard to forget what he did, but he also saved my life at one point. I guess he felt like he owed me."

"And the others?"

"One's just... living a normal life. Hate the thought of it, I won't lie, but she's not out there hurting anyone. Third one's in jail, though."

Ahkelios raises a brow. "You sound really happy about the third one."

"Because I got to punch him." I grin a little. "I'm not a saint, 'Kelios. I don't think I was supposed to enjoy it or anything. But he didn't really get any better—the whole thing just kind of made him even more messed up. He crossed one too many lines, and I happened to be there, so..."

I hit him hard enough to knock out a few teeth and stun him. It's a good memory. But it's not the memory that lingers the most—it's the first kid, the one who went out of his way to help me out when my life started falling apart.

"The point is that people can change," I say. "I don't advocate for mindless mercy and endless compassion. There are lines you can cross. But giving people a chance? It was important to my brother, so it's always going to be important to me."

Ahkelios doesn't respond, and it takes me a second before I realize what I said.

I wince. Admitting that part still hurts. I hadn't known who it was at the time, but...

"That's what mercy is for you," Ahkelios says quietly. "A chance to change?"

"Simple as that," I say with a nod.

And the Knight grows warm within me.

It's heard my words, and it's made a decision. Ahkelios gives me a startled look—he can feel the sudden change within me as much as I can—but I'm too focused on what's happening within me to pay him much mind.

The Knight... relates?

No. It believes. It believes in the same thing I do, and more importantly, it's now sure about the promise I made to it.

I won't abandon it. Not if it's at all within my power. It's not the kind of person I am. It knows now who I abandoned, who I failed, and it feels the conviction I do to never let it happen again.

The Inspiration clicks into place, settling within my soul, and I feel the essence of my Firmament change.

Not a lot. Just slightly. Just a faint, metallic tinge that empowers me. But it's noticeable.

And Ahkelios groans, burying his face in his hands. "Why can't you just be a jerk," he mumbles, mostly to himself. Then he sighs. "Ethan, I need to tell you something. The thing about the Remnant in the Empty City. I think it—"

"Wants you to betray me?" I raise an eyebrow.

The mantis grumbles, looking away. "I don't think... I don't think I should absorb it. I can feel the influence it has on me, Ethan. If I absorb it, I'm going to want to keep that power, and I'm going to want to stay independent."

"And?" I ask. Ahkelios blinks at me.

"Ethan, it wants me to betray you!"

"I know." It's not like I didn't know that from the start, even if I didn't know the specifics. "And I want you to have independence from me, Ahkelios. The Interface shouldn't control you."

"Neither should my past self!"

"So don't let it." I grin at him. "Come on. I'm pretty stubborn. Surely you've picked up some of that from me?"

Ahkelios stares at me. "You cannot be serious."

"Do you trust me?" I ask him.

"I..." he says. And then he nods. "I mean, after this? It tried to tell me about how you don't let me in or whatever. But you do. I just never asked. So... yes. I trust you."

"Then trust me when I tell you that if you do let it turn you into a jerk, I'm going to beat it back out of you," I tell him, smirking at the aghast look he gives me. "Just like I trust you to stopmeif I let the Trials corrupt me."

That's the reason I'm giving Whisper a chance, really. When it comes down to it, that's the reason I'm giving Naru this chance as well—the reason I'm taking the time to figure out how he thinks, why he does what he does.

Mercy means nothing if I don't put in the effort to make it work. The Trials are built to corrupt their participants. To make them greedy, easily-controlled puppets for the Integrators.

And I'm pitting myself against that machine. Turning myself into an agent of change. That's why change is my Truth.

Because I won't let things stand the way they are.

It's strange. I don't think I would've figured all this out if Ahkelios hadn't forced me to put it into words. Now I know why I believe what I believe. This may have driven me before, but it's not something I knew consciously.

Now I do.

"Naru is really going to test that belief of yours, though," Ahkelios says, injecting a lighter note into his voice.

"Heh. You're telling me." I glance at the crow, who is rather pointedly pretending the other three of us don't exist. Good thing he can't listen in on our conversation. "Well, this is just the first loop with him. We'll see how it goes. I can't say I'm expecting much, though."