Death, Devotion, Dissonance

Chapter 182 - Help And Intentions

*****

Bella sat on a bench outside the Academy garden, waiting for Phel. Her fingers tapped at the wood erratically, guilt bubbling up in her heart. Any time now, the soft-featured boy would come out of the garden, no doubt wearing a defeated expression. 

'I shouldn't have forced him to do this… At least not with such stupid reasons…'

Phel's love seemed doomed to her from the beginning. But she didn't know how to tell the boy that. So she decided to force him to go with it. There was also a part of her that wanted to comfort the boy afterwards so they became better friends.

It was an idea that sounded stupider and stupider by the day. In the first place, who tried to push two people together, so they could get close to one afterwards? But Bella was aware of Phel's feelings, so when the opportunity presented itself, she decided to take advantage of the situation. 

'And it's not like I'm doing anything too terrible,' Bella thought. 'If left alone, Phel will suffer with his feelings forever, never finding the courage to confess. And even if it confessed, the reply wouldn't change… So I'm doing good by hastening the process. And besides, it's good for him to let it out.'

How was she supposed to feel when she was doing something good, but with ulterior motives. A relatively harmless motive – to get close to someone, but a motive nonetheless. It felt wrong. Even more so, since Bella knew the confession was doomed from the beginning.

"Hello, Bella," a familiar voice greeted. 

"Hello, Count," Bella replied, looking back. 

"Can I sit here?" Decatur asked.

"Uh, sure…" Bella said, trying not to sigh.

A brief silence ensued. Bella was fine with it though. The less she had to talk to this persistent noble, the better. She genuinely hoped it would continue forever… but, Decatur started talking eventually.

"I wanted to talk to you about something. I received a letter from Arcvallen Academy talking of student exchange program. They basically want to invite one of our students to study in the capital for half a year… I was thinking I'll have you go on it."

"I'm sorry," Bella did not have to think much. "Without Evin, I won't go the Arcvallen."

"I thought of having the boy go, I really did," Decatur said slowly. "But the Capital's only accepting one student from all years and Evin's not really here either."

"Well, in that case, I guess I'll be staying here," Bella shrugged. "I'm sure many students are raring to go in my stead. Thanks for coming here to tell me though."

Decatur nodded and stood up, silent and brooding. 

'Is he gonna go?' Bella thought. "Today wasn't so bad… Is he finally learning to politely leave after being refused?'

"I don't get it…" Decatur murmured. 

'Ah, of course…' Bella sighed. 'Leave it to Dec to never learn a thing… You know, I won't even reply. Maybe if I pretend he doesn't exist, he'll get the clue.'

"I don't get it…" Decatur said. "How can you stay so loyal to someone who would leave you so readily?"

Bella just shook her head and opened up the book she wasn't reading. She argued a lot with the noble, so she knew it was a pointless thing. Evin managed the same, so she should be able to too. 

"Why don't you answer?"

"I don't know…" Bella shrugged. 

"You know, but you just don't want to speak to me. You just wish you were facing your boyfriend," Decatur spat out. "But who knows were he is now. Probably enjoying life with his precious family. A trip to the North, with no known return date. But for you, he only goes as far as Jiha town. Damn murderer."

Bella's eyes twitched.

"Murderer, murderer, you really love that word, don't you?" Bella said. "I imagined you'd be the best person to know we'll all become murderers soon enough, no? The prized weapons of the kingdom."

"But who goes except him goes around killing his allies? He's just a bloodthirsty barbarian is what he is."

"You're a fucking idiot," Bella hissed.

How can someone be so self-righteous and stupid, Bella couldn't tell.

"I'm right! You've seen what he did in the Helm's worthy and also what his grandfather did to that baron's son! I'm sure he's participating in some fight in the north. It's almost fitting!"

Bella had enough.

"Ugh, can you leave me alone now? Perhaps you think me needy of company, but I'm perfectly fine alone. And to answer your previous question. I'm not as retarded as you to make it difficult for him to leave considering what happened to his family."

Bella added an accusing tone to the last sentence, even though she knew Decatur probably had nothing to do with the attack on Evin's family.

But Decatur did turn defensive at that. "I told you I didn't do anything to his family!"

"I never said you did," Bella said. "Now please."

Decatur was about to say something, but the gates to the garden opened. Phel and Arza were walking out of it side by side, the noble boy practically beaming.

'Wait, did it actually work?' 

Arza waved a hand at Phel and left, while the latter came running to Bella's side after greeting Decatur. 

Ignoring Decatur, Bella whispered. "Did he say yes?"

Phel nodded excitedly and hugged Bella. "Thank you."

'Huh… What the fuck?'

"Uh, no problem at all," Bella managed a smile. "If you need any help, don't worry about bothering me."

'No-no-no, why did I have to say that last part? Don't I just sound desperate?'

The boy gave a sharp nod and ran towards Arza. "I'll treat you to anything you want!" he shouted.

Bella smiled and waved off the boy, feeling conflicted. 

'That went well, I guess? Maybe I didn't have to worry so much about forcing him to confess…'

"What was that about?" Decatur asked from her side.

"You're still here?" Bella frowned. 

She decided it was best to just ignore him from now on, and gathered her stuff.

"We're not done talking."

"I don't have the obligation to argue pointlessly with you, Decatur. I appreciate your thoughts, but I don't like the feeling of being forced into things."

Bella did not give him a chance to reply and covered herself with an illusion. Invisible, she walked off to her room. But the last thing she said to Decatur did make her think of something. 

'I said I appreciate the thoughts simply because noble etiquette demanded it, but in Decatur's twisted mindset, he is trying to help me, right? I guess he is just trying to force me into doing something, thinking it's best for me…?

'But isn't that the same as me trying to force Phel into confessing?'

Somehow, it ended up working well for Phel, but it wasn't so odd if Phel's confession failed. In fact, it failing was the expected thing to happen. Bella was even banking on it, thinking she'll make a friend of Phel afterwards. 

Of course, what she did wasn't admirable, but Phel didn't really look so opposed to the idea at all. 

He was the polar opposite of Bella when she gets approached by Decatur for one thing or another. 

But technically, Decatur was doing the same thing Bella was doing. 

'What's the difference?' Bella thought. 

Perhaps because of her annoyance at Decatur, she found it hard to focus. 

"Evin would know about the answer…" she whispered. "Or maybe the being inside him would know…"

She was maintaining a strong façade, but it was still hard for her to be alone. 

"Sigh…"

*****